Dear Mom,

‍

I’m sorry. 

Not for being too young to comprehend the complexities of mental illness, or for my inability to save you. I’m sorry that our society viewed you as a futile burden, instead of a capable human being. 

I remember wishing, praying that you had Cancer instead. At least Cancer is honorable, I thought. At least Cancer has the possibility of going away.

But as with all chronic illnesses, there is no resolution for alcoholism or substance addiction. The best modern medicine and technology can provide those suffering, is a toolkit for survival. 

That's it. Survival. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t able to fully comprehend this fact until recently. 

Everyone saw you as this helpless, frail, incapable woman; completely unaware that you were actually a gifted, passionate mother with so much to give the world. Eventually, you chose to believe in them instead of yourself. And in the end, we all lost: You lost your life, I lost my mom, and the workforce lost its chance to tap into your ceaseless potential.

I alone do not possess the power to change the mentality of our society as a whole, but I can and will endorse inclusive communities for those surviving with chronic illnesses. You see, living is different than surviving. You survived for as long as you physically could. But a life without purpose, a life spent simply surviving, isn’t a life at all. You needed more than just a toolkit for survival, you deserved more. 

I like to think that if you had been given the opportunity and support to become a productive member of society once again, that you would still be here today. 

You had a chronic illness... but you were more than capable. 

Love always,

Haley